Do you have a spot, a place, a location where you will never forget an event?
Or a place where you see and it takes you back to a specific moment?
Well, I have a few, but this one is at a dead end, a partial dirt road intersection.
As most evenings went before we had kid, we would go and drive around checking pivots or checking for weeds or just checking to see how good OR bad the crops were looking.
I enjoyed these drives not for the crops or water watching, but for the conversations.
Well this night the conversation went to having kids… what we should do if we can’t conceive naturally or through the help of medicine. Should we adopt, think about fostering, have a surragate.. ect, ect.. ( I don’t even know what Ect Ect would be but I’m sure we thought of it)
I honestly, can’t remember the date or even the year this conversation happened, but I know that we had been doing IUIs and Shots and who knows what else to get pregnant for about 2 years. I was really down, like thoughts of leaving my husband kind of down, because God Damn it he deserved kids and if I couldn’t provide it maybe he could find someone who could. I don’t know why I would think that because he never once placed blame or anything on me. He only loved me through this whole process, but I guess as a women and as hormones and emotions go for some females, I felt like his love would fade if we didn’t have kids. I felt like I was failing at being a wife and felt like I couldn’t do this anymore. I was a sobbing mess and my husband was consoling me. I think the dirt on the road settled from all the tears, but then I heard these words. Words I will never forget and words I hope every wife can truly hear and truly know is true.
Then his words came out. “Jodi, I don’t need kids, I just need you.”
I knew my husband loved me, but this moment and these words made me truly believe it.
I needed these words more then he will ever know and I believe God sent us on this journey so they would be said. We still had a long road ahead of us before having kids, but it got me over the hump of fear. The fear of no children was no longer a concern and I think that took a lot of weight off my shoulders that I didn’t know was actually there.
If you are having infertility problems I really encourage you to have the “what if there are no kids in the future” conversation. A real heart to heart with your significant other, may lift some pain and fears away. Even if you have to get on a dirt road to make it happen, do it.